Friday, June 25, 2004
Russian Salad
This one started without any inspiration. The only inspiration (if you can call it so), was that a couple of ppl from my office went to Russia on a business visit and were gaga over the rich and powerful business partners there. This is one of those stories which go nowhere and I dont think it will ever be completed..
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Sergei Putin was livid. His space was stolen.
He was sure it was the work of none other than Vladimir Katsev, the mafia king of Vladivostok. Vladimir was always growing fatter, and therefore would surely need more space, reasoned Sergei who probably was one of the few dons in the whole of Russia who had graduated in western philosophy and logic. One of the benefits of doing this was that, one needed to study for only one subject, as taking any one of these subjects entitled the candidate to claim exemption in the other.
This was perfectly logical, as the mother of western philosophy is logic. Western philosophy (as opposed to eastern philosophy) is one which does not require you to make any leaps of faith. Eastern philosophy for example, states that the universe, to begin with, started off as manchurian, but now it is more like a bowl of soup and rice. (This is probably why manchurian is eaten first, and then followed by soup and rice. The great master has predicted that the universe will end as tiramasu). This is difficult to believe, if one did not make the leap of faith that the average chinese meal is a microcosm of the universe).
But I digress. What i am trying to write here is a story of two Russian dons (though it is not even remotely going to resemble Godfather), and not of sweet corn chicken soup. Having thus introduced Sergei Putin an erudite scholar of western philosophy and logic, it is only natural that his counterpart be his total opposite. Vladimir pooh poohed philosophy as "the rumination of excreta within a rat's posterior". He was scientist of great renown and had 23 patents to his credit.
One of his invention was a tool to get rid of philosophers. This tool was a thought sensor. It was smaller than a coat button. In fact Vladimir had inserted it in his coat button and often went 'philosopher hunting' in the marketplace. 'Phili-pine' (for that is what it was called) worked like this. It analysed the thoughts of all the persons coming within ten feet of it. Then, based on its fuzzy logic microprocessor, it decided whether the thoughts belonged to someone of a philosophical bent of mind or not. This is not as difficult a task as it seems to be. An average person would be thinking: Why was my wife angry with me last night? Ok, even if she was angry, why does that have to translate into no sex? A philosopher would be thinking: Why was my wife angry with me last night? Is it because fundamentally the institution of marriage is an invention of a society bound by convention and the anger was nothing but a manifestation of strife between the individual and the society?
The fuzzy logic worked on simple prinicple of number of words in a sentence and number of letters per word. If the sentence had more than 10 words, or if a word on an average had more than 7 letters, the icroprocessor would assume that these are the thoughts of a philosopher and would then transmit thoughts which gave an absolutely different angle to what the philosopher was thinking, thus causing him unbearable mental agony and making him pine (ergo the name phili-pine) In this instance for example, phili-pine would transmit thoughts such as "Screw the individual, society, and the institution of marriage. Are you getting enough sex?"
Admittedly, the fuzzy logic in this case was actually fuzzy and Vladimir often ended baiting lawyers instead of philosophers because they also thought in long sentence and words. Once a lawyer passed by thinking: What are the modalities of getting a constitutional ammendment passed in the parliament which enables all citizens to practice polygamy? To which the phili-pine responded "Screw the constitutional ammendment, parliament and polygamy. Are you getting enough sex? This bolt of thought hit the lawyer so suddenly and unexpectedly squarely in the cerebelum that it triggered off a paroxysm of laughter which lasted for three days and finally killed him. Vladimir was only slightly disappointed.
Another invention of Vladimir was something called Person-Object transference. Vladimir had as much sensitivity and empathy in him as a New Jersey buffalo. The milk of human kindness had run dry in him, unlike in the Jersey buffalo just mentioned. (This is a very good example of juxtaposing a metaphor with a reverse metaphor, thus proving my prowess as an author). Kind people irritated him. He had no patience with people who showed consideration to him. To people who wished him a good day he wished rabid dogs feast on their privates. Very understandably, he couldnt tolerate good people, as he was a bad person. And if at this point, if anyone points out to me that opposites attract, I will wish rabid dogs feast on their privates.
One day Vladimir ordered pizza. The deliveryboy came attired smartly in his uniform, with a bag (which was also part of his uniform) which carried his chicken supreme pan crust pizza and wished Vladimir a good evening. He introduced himself as coming from Pizza Parlour, makers of the best pizzas in the world. Then he announed that Vladimir had ordered for a chicken supreme pan crust pizza and one coke. He also did not forget to mention that the sachets of sauce which he had just placed on the table were, guess what...just that! The deliveryboy was in topping form. He had got over his initial nervousness of having to deliver not only pizzas, but such amazingly bad dialogues (monologues, actually, as a grunt here and there could not be really counted as any contribution to the conversation) exactly as they were in the process manual. He was bouyed by the fact that he had not forgotten to mention anything, nor had he fumbled even once while saying it. The delivery boy had no compunctions telling him that his bill came to twenty six roubles and sixty kopecs. He also noted the fact that Vladimir had given him 30 roubles and he was returning three roubles and 40 kopecs to the good sir. Finally he mentioned that he hoped the good sir would enjoy his pizza and entretied him to call Pizza Parlour again. He wished the good sir a good day on his way out.
Totally exhausted by preventing himself from murdering the good delivery boy by conjuring up images of his poor plump mother living in an underpreviledged locality in the North of Vladivostok shedding tears, bawling and cursing all at the same time, Vladimir, sat down to eat his pizza, which was neither a gastronomical delight, nor his new bride's cooking. It was neither lip smaking nor puke inducing. Hell it wasnt even insipid. He did not like it, and he did not like it because he could not say why he could not like it. If it was good, at least he could hate it. If it was bad, he could definitely hate it. He now looked fondly upon the pizza delivery boy, who had, with such simplicity given him good cause to be irritated, and wished that the pizza was like the boy who delivered it, when he hit upon the idea of Person-Object Transference.
Person-Object Transference is simply this: If an object and a person are in close proximity of each other, using the transference beam (patent number 17 for Vladimir) the qualities of the person and the object can be swapped with each other. The construct of this equipment was very simple: He had two vacuum cleaners attached to a double chambered bag. Then he altered the vacuum cleaners from hydraulic mode to characteristic mode. Which means that the vacuum cleaners created a very low pressure area of emotion/qualities/characteristics by making everything in its immeditate proximity devoid of any character. Now just as any other substance such as air, water, etc moves from a region of high pressure to a region of low pressure, so do characteristics move from high to low pressure areas. Thus the two vacuum cleaners would simultaneously suck out the charateristics from the person and the object and collect them separately in the double chambered bag. Then the bags would be switched, and the vacs would be run in reverse mode.
The next time Vladimir ordered pizza, he immediately activated the Person-Object Transference Beam, and the dull, drab delivery boy went his own way without so much as a thank you for the tip and Vladimir enjoyed being thoroughly annoyed at the perfectly good pizza.
Having thus invented the Person-Object Transference Beam, he realised he had opened up a whole new world of opportunity. Think of the number of Person-Object combinations happening in everyday life, and what results would they produce if applied to each one of them. Garbage collectors, for example. One day Vladimir applied the POTB to garbage collectors and immediately solved the problem of garbage disposal and environment pollution. Garbage suddenly became the in thing. People craved for garbage, paid good price for decent kind of garbage. Socialite women began using plastic bags as stylish hats, icecream cups were used as expensive cutlery only to be used for special occassions and dog turd was in great demand in the perfume making industry. However, the crime rates in the city shot up. All over Vladivostok, evil, malodourous and malignant garbage collectors prowled the streets, raping and killing all and sundry. The entire event made Sergei smirk smugly as he reiterated philosophically that there was no escaping evil, you can never get rid of it, it reappears in new forms. Vladimir thought this was rumination of excreta within a rat's posterior.
Next he used POTB on newspaper vendors. The knowledge of the newspaper-vendors registered a quantum jump, but their memory was refreshed every morning. They spoke (only if asked to) in flawless Russian about events all over the world, while newspapers sat there dull and drab calling out only headlines in gruff voices. Soon, people started taking newspaper-vendors home, instead of newspapers, which greatly increased the demand for female newspaper vendors, (more so as their memory was refreshed every morning) but there wasnt much satisfaction to be had as this resulted (literally) into nothing but intellectual masturbation.
Vladimir wanted to use POTB on pressure cookers too. They sizzled and hissed for a long time and then violently let out steam till they were peaceful for a short while again... However, he didnt get satisfactory results this time, as housewives behaved much the same as pressure cookers
---------------------------
Sergei Putin was livid. His space was stolen.
He was sure it was the work of none other than Vladimir Katsev, the mafia king of Vladivostok. Vladimir was always growing fatter, and therefore would surely need more space, reasoned Sergei who probably was one of the few dons in the whole of Russia who had graduated in western philosophy and logic. One of the benefits of doing this was that, one needed to study for only one subject, as taking any one of these subjects entitled the candidate to claim exemption in the other.
This was perfectly logical, as the mother of western philosophy is logic. Western philosophy (as opposed to eastern philosophy) is one which does not require you to make any leaps of faith. Eastern philosophy for example, states that the universe, to begin with, started off as manchurian, but now it is more like a bowl of soup and rice. (This is probably why manchurian is eaten first, and then followed by soup and rice. The great master has predicted that the universe will end as tiramasu). This is difficult to believe, if one did not make the leap of faith that the average chinese meal is a microcosm of the universe).
But I digress. What i am trying to write here is a story of two Russian dons (though it is not even remotely going to resemble Godfather), and not of sweet corn chicken soup. Having thus introduced Sergei Putin an erudite scholar of western philosophy and logic, it is only natural that his counterpart be his total opposite. Vladimir pooh poohed philosophy as "the rumination of excreta within a rat's posterior". He was scientist of great renown and had 23 patents to his credit.
One of his invention was a tool to get rid of philosophers. This tool was a thought sensor. It was smaller than a coat button. In fact Vladimir had inserted it in his coat button and often went 'philosopher hunting' in the marketplace. 'Phili-pine' (for that is what it was called) worked like this. It analysed the thoughts of all the persons coming within ten feet of it. Then, based on its fuzzy logic microprocessor, it decided whether the thoughts belonged to someone of a philosophical bent of mind or not. This is not as difficult a task as it seems to be. An average person would be thinking: Why was my wife angry with me last night? Ok, even if she was angry, why does that have to translate into no sex? A philosopher would be thinking: Why was my wife angry with me last night? Is it because fundamentally the institution of marriage is an invention of a society bound by convention and the anger was nothing but a manifestation of strife between the individual and the society?
The fuzzy logic worked on simple prinicple of number of words in a sentence and number of letters per word. If the sentence had more than 10 words, or if a word on an average had more than 7 letters, the icroprocessor would assume that these are the thoughts of a philosopher and would then transmit thoughts which gave an absolutely different angle to what the philosopher was thinking, thus causing him unbearable mental agony and making him pine (ergo the name phili-pine) In this instance for example, phili-pine would transmit thoughts such as "Screw the individual, society, and the institution of marriage. Are you getting enough sex?"
Admittedly, the fuzzy logic in this case was actually fuzzy and Vladimir often ended baiting lawyers instead of philosophers because they also thought in long sentence and words. Once a lawyer passed by thinking: What are the modalities of getting a constitutional ammendment passed in the parliament which enables all citizens to practice polygamy? To which the phili-pine responded "Screw the constitutional ammendment, parliament and polygamy. Are you getting enough sex? This bolt of thought hit the lawyer so suddenly and unexpectedly squarely in the cerebelum that it triggered off a paroxysm of laughter which lasted for three days and finally killed him. Vladimir was only slightly disappointed.
Another invention of Vladimir was something called Person-Object transference. Vladimir had as much sensitivity and empathy in him as a New Jersey buffalo. The milk of human kindness had run dry in him, unlike in the Jersey buffalo just mentioned. (This is a very good example of juxtaposing a metaphor with a reverse metaphor, thus proving my prowess as an author). Kind people irritated him. He had no patience with people who showed consideration to him. To people who wished him a good day he wished rabid dogs feast on their privates. Very understandably, he couldnt tolerate good people, as he was a bad person. And if at this point, if anyone points out to me that opposites attract, I will wish rabid dogs feast on their privates.
One day Vladimir ordered pizza. The deliveryboy came attired smartly in his uniform, with a bag (which was also part of his uniform) which carried his chicken supreme pan crust pizza and wished Vladimir a good evening. He introduced himself as coming from Pizza Parlour, makers of the best pizzas in the world. Then he announed that Vladimir had ordered for a chicken supreme pan crust pizza and one coke. He also did not forget to mention that the sachets of sauce which he had just placed on the table were, guess what...just that! The deliveryboy was in topping form. He had got over his initial nervousness of having to deliver not only pizzas, but such amazingly bad dialogues (monologues, actually, as a grunt here and there could not be really counted as any contribution to the conversation) exactly as they were in the process manual. He was bouyed by the fact that he had not forgotten to mention anything, nor had he fumbled even once while saying it. The delivery boy had no compunctions telling him that his bill came to twenty six roubles and sixty kopecs. He also noted the fact that Vladimir had given him 30 roubles and he was returning three roubles and 40 kopecs to the good sir. Finally he mentioned that he hoped the good sir would enjoy his pizza and entretied him to call Pizza Parlour again. He wished the good sir a good day on his way out.
Totally exhausted by preventing himself from murdering the good delivery boy by conjuring up images of his poor plump mother living in an underpreviledged locality in the North of Vladivostok shedding tears, bawling and cursing all at the same time, Vladimir, sat down to eat his pizza, which was neither a gastronomical delight, nor his new bride's cooking. It was neither lip smaking nor puke inducing. Hell it wasnt even insipid. He did not like it, and he did not like it because he could not say why he could not like it. If it was good, at least he could hate it. If it was bad, he could definitely hate it. He now looked fondly upon the pizza delivery boy, who had, with such simplicity given him good cause to be irritated, and wished that the pizza was like the boy who delivered it, when he hit upon the idea of Person-Object Transference.
Person-Object Transference is simply this: If an object and a person are in close proximity of each other, using the transference beam (patent number 17 for Vladimir) the qualities of the person and the object can be swapped with each other. The construct of this equipment was very simple: He had two vacuum cleaners attached to a double chambered bag. Then he altered the vacuum cleaners from hydraulic mode to characteristic mode. Which means that the vacuum cleaners created a very low pressure area of emotion/qualities/characteristics by making everything in its immeditate proximity devoid of any character. Now just as any other substance such as air, water, etc moves from a region of high pressure to a region of low pressure, so do characteristics move from high to low pressure areas. Thus the two vacuum cleaners would simultaneously suck out the charateristics from the person and the object and collect them separately in the double chambered bag. Then the bags would be switched, and the vacs would be run in reverse mode.
The next time Vladimir ordered pizza, he immediately activated the Person-Object Transference Beam, and the dull, drab delivery boy went his own way without so much as a thank you for the tip and Vladimir enjoyed being thoroughly annoyed at the perfectly good pizza.
Having thus invented the Person-Object Transference Beam, he realised he had opened up a whole new world of opportunity. Think of the number of Person-Object combinations happening in everyday life, and what results would they produce if applied to each one of them. Garbage collectors, for example. One day Vladimir applied the POTB to garbage collectors and immediately solved the problem of garbage disposal and environment pollution. Garbage suddenly became the in thing. People craved for garbage, paid good price for decent kind of garbage. Socialite women began using plastic bags as stylish hats, icecream cups were used as expensive cutlery only to be used for special occassions and dog turd was in great demand in the perfume making industry. However, the crime rates in the city shot up. All over Vladivostok, evil, malodourous and malignant garbage collectors prowled the streets, raping and killing all and sundry. The entire event made Sergei smirk smugly as he reiterated philosophically that there was no escaping evil, you can never get rid of it, it reappears in new forms. Vladimir thought this was rumination of excreta within a rat's posterior.
Next he used POTB on newspaper vendors. The knowledge of the newspaper-vendors registered a quantum jump, but their memory was refreshed every morning. They spoke (only if asked to) in flawless Russian about events all over the world, while newspapers sat there dull and drab calling out only headlines in gruff voices. Soon, people started taking newspaper-vendors home, instead of newspapers, which greatly increased the demand for female newspaper vendors, (more so as their memory was refreshed every morning) but there wasnt much satisfaction to be had as this resulted (literally) into nothing but intellectual masturbation.
Vladimir wanted to use POTB on pressure cookers too. They sizzled and hissed for a long time and then violently let out steam till they were peaceful for a short while again... However, he didnt get satisfactory results this time, as housewives behaved much the same as pressure cookers
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