Sunday, September 08, 2013


So Cyra has learned her first word - no its not mummy or daddy (although she does make mamama and abba and papapa sounds, we are not counting these as her proper first word), it CAT. Easy enough to learn and repeated oft enough by @Manju Panthaki and me from a book of animals that we show her to keep her occupied while eating food (both us and her eating, in case you were wondering). 

Now she says CAT all the time. Although she tries to speak it perfectly, she cant get the 'C' right, and it sounds a bit like TAT. The first word after getting up is TAT. She looks out of the window and says TAT although there is no TAT (sorry, CAT) there. She says TAT even when she is generally crawling around. Sometimes its spoken forcefully, like TAT! in font 14 with an exclamation mark, and at other times gently, almost musing to herself, tat, in font 9. Sometimes, its repeated at 2-3 seconds intervals. Tat....Tat.....Tat......

So we were in a resort in Khandala yesterday, and there actually came a Tat to visit. It was an open air type of seating, near a very well done hedge, and the Tat came out of the hedge to the beginning of the dining area to beg for food. It was not scared, and kept saying "Meow" for a very long time. We showed Cyra what a Tat really was, and she looked at it agape, with interest. 

Cyra also has the habit to point at things (we dont know if she is actually pointing, but thats the construct in our minds) with her thumb, index finger and middle finger all touching each other and her ring finger and little finger a bit up in the air. Also, she does this while on all fours; ie on all except the hand that is pointing now, fully outstretched and pointing at an angle which is in between parallel to the ground and perpendicular to it. If you are standing a few feet away from her and she is on the floor, it will seem as it she is pointing right at you. She dissolves into laughter, if you point in the same way. 

Anyways, now there is a variation to that pointing. She also says "TAT" while doing that. It eerily feels like she is trying to cast a spell on you. Manju feels that she is doing her best but she is too small yet and her spell is weak. I feel that her spell is just slow and in 10 years time, both of us, a waiter and some assorted guests at Dukes resort and some random people will turn into TATs. This could in fact be true because she didnt cast that spell on the Tat at the resort - she knew it was already a TAT. 

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Ill enough to not want to go to office
But not ill enough to not feel guilty about it

When can we retire?
Why are we working?
Only for money...
Isnt that a big flaw in gods grand scheme of creation?
That he gave us life..
But took it away at the same time?

Monday, December 27, 2010

Lets talk about the weather - no, really, I do respect myself!

Fog is water vapour with their woolies on.

It may not sound very impressive to several million people living in New York, London or even Delhi that there one can actually see fog in Mumbai because these people are accustomed to fog, snow, blizzards and tornadoes as a matter of course. While for most poeple, talking about the weather has become a sure-shot sign of being a loser - this because everyone keeps doing so, which in turn is because the weather actually changes allowing one to do so - in Mumbai, we consider the weather as a refreshing topic of discussion. Because if someone is talking about the weather, it most likely means that there is something noteworthy about it, which in itself can be a source of great joy to a mumbaikar.

The Mumbaikar is least worried about living a life of decadence because he is not afraid of going to hell. Hell, when he reaches there, will just remind him of the weather at home: hot and humid. That is almost a constant in Mumbai. Seasons are out of fashion here. If at all you were to name seasons in Mumbai, I'd say it is 10 months of summer and 2 months of mild summer (as opposed to say Bangalore which is 2 months of winter and 10 months of mild winter, the best). Hence when the mercury goes below 20 in Mumbai, we talk about it. We revel in it. We are ecstatic.

And when something like fog happens, it becomes worthy of mention. But what is fog? Mumbai is humid all the year round.... so why isnt there fog all the year round? Fog is some form of water i assume. One simple theory is the one at the beginning of the note: Fog is water vapour with their woolies on. The other theory is this: Like the people of Mumbai, water vapour is too apathetic to its neighbours. Maybe it doesn't get along. The spirit of Christmas and the coming new year however makes it reflect at leisure and makes the water vapour come together like people do, thereby causing fog.

This festive season, may you come close to your near and dear ones, just like water vapour does. Wish you a Merry Chirstmas and a Very Happy New Year!

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Value of a nut

Any organisation is like a machine. Good organisations are like well oiled, perfectly running machines. Not so good organisations try to improve themselves sometimes by taking parts from the good machine. In a perfectly running machine, each part has great value. For example, that machine could not work for long in the same efficient manner even if one screw, bolt or nut were missing.

What the not-so-good organisation does not realise is that if that nut is removed from the well oiled machine and hired by the not-so-good organisation, he remains just that - a nut! In absence of the running machine, the nut has no value.

The good organisation however, does not feel the loss of the nut. Because it can hire another nut and put him in the same place, and the machine is running fine again.

Great organisations are not just the sum total of great individuals, its the result of how these individuals work together. I will not deign to give the oft repeated jargon of "culture, systems and processes" because its something more than that. There is an X factor which is difficult to quantify.

Its like football teams. Over 30 years all the players and coaches in Brazil have changed. There is no evidence to suggest that Brazil has a genetic pool suited better to football. Organisations are something similar - and what makes good organisations tick is equally difficult to quantify.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

You know you are on a diet when...

1. You wish you had bought a larger fridge
2. You start haggling with your weighing scale
3. You reason that your weight is more because it includes the weight of the clothes you are wearing...and you actually validate this theory (try this only at home!)
4. You wonder why you have a cook since you call her in the evening and tell her "kal mat aana, khana hai" a bit too often
AND last but not the least
5. You start having bowel movements only alternate days

Saturday, April 04, 2009

“And the Lord said unto John: "Come forth, and receive eternal life.", but John came fifth and won a toaster.”

US diaries

Well, this is long overdue... but somehow I just cant find the motivation to blog... my yahoo messenger lists me as one of my contacts.. so I had the following conversation
me: hi
me: hi
me: kya chal raha hai
me: kya chal raha hai
me: gaand mara
me: gaand mara
such was my inertia. Having exhausted all possible avenues of postponement, having checked all my mails, orkut, blog, messergers etc and still not wanting to go to sleep, I am but forced to blog.

I had to go to the US from London.... I had the option of spending the weekend in London or NY... not being the one to do touristy things alone, it doesnt make much of a difference and I left London on a saturday. I almost missed the flight as my alarm did not go off.. luckily I had also asked the reception for a wake up call.. then i figured that my blackberry has an option that alarm is off on the weekends...phew! Well I reached NY and took the taxi to my hotel and guess what... i left my BB in the cab! my other phone is not on roaming so i am practically cut off. I call seema from the hotel and she helps me figure out contacts etc... The place I was put up was quite a shocking place... literally... the doorknobs and lift buttons gave out a small electric shocked... I was anyways shocked at the loss of my phone, so such small shocks did not matter much. This was not really a business hotel.. more of a hotel frequented by the fashion industry.. tho did not see any models. The hotel had just one restaurant.. a japanese restaurant called Koi which was quite good. This country works only on tips and poeple almost demand it - there is nothing gratituous about it... I also know now that there is no competition for Indian hotels... service culture just doesnt exist elsewhere as it does in India. I just slept off the weekend in my room btw.

On Monday and Tuesday I had meetings in NY - the days were pretty light with just 3-4 meetings a day. On Wed I had to go to Boston where i had a decent 5 meetings. There was a twist in the tale however, with Chicago (which was not in the inital plan) also getting included... for just one meeting... I was like what the hell lets get this cancelled... but all my efforts at doing this were at naught and I was really wanting to get back home by then. Boston was good.... liked the place a lot... the hotel they put me in was great and the city is good too.

Flew to chicago on Wed night and they put me up in a really shitty place... u cud make out the moment u alighted outiside the hotel from the cab. The main dinner stops by 9.45 and the night menu did not start till 10.45.. i waited for an hour to get one sandwich.. plus several other things... I ended up having 2 meetings on Thurs in Chicago and went to meet a family friend in the afternoon in Elmhurst one of chicago's suburbs. In the evening I had a flight to Mumbai via Munich. A buxom blond girl came to sit next to me but was with another girl who was sitting somehere else and went to join her, sending a professor in Russian studies who had a flight to St Petersburg in her lieu next to me. I have absolutely no luck on airline flights... or for that matter anywhere else. Crap!

Anyways was very glad to get back home after almost 2 weeks... had a horrible jet lag afterwards for 4-5 days... still dont seem to have recovered fully althought its been more than a week.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

London Diaries - III (very dunk)

3 pints of beer, 1 margarita, one long island, 3 large whiskeys

too drunk to wite in full sentences (xcuse the spelling mistakes too)
Was in edinburgh yesterday. At the airport they have quotes from famous ppl about endinburgh... one of them says "edinburgh is a city which makes you think what a city is" or something like that.. this reminded me of murali's famous quote which gave great mirth to hari "when pundalik reads, he reads". Jokes aside, kaafi pyara sheher hai.... quait and lovable... I would not mind tho making a profession of writing quotes about different cities. For example i would write about delhi "Delhi is a city which is very hot in summer and very cold in winter"... i am dissolving in uncontrollable laughter now... So i had 3 meetings in edinburgh... walked around the city a bit...

Today I had 5 meetings... bit tiring but no jet lag... Ever since ive been here, ive been jet lagged.. its quite deceptive.. on monday i didnt feel much jet lagged... on tuesday it intensified greatly... on wed since i had to catch a early monring flight to edinburg dont know if it was jet lag of plain lack of sleep... today is the first day i actually felt alert and myself .... in the evening we went out for a drink with our sales guy arjun who bears an uncanny resemblance to george costanza.... especially from the back... hes a nice guy tho.... i'm rambling and waiting for room serivice of grilled salmon with poached egg and spinach... btw the butter here is out of the world.. u dont realise in india that butter can actually be so drastically better...

There was some confusion about my US trip... the schedule of meetings looked very thin... so i raised a stink saying is it worth going... this was because i was homesick... but then the head of sales in US got back saying that he would get meetings.. so i have to go now... so i have to decide whether to go on saturday or on sunday... will decide tomorrow morning... anyways, my dinner shud me coming any time now, so more later...

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

London Diaries - II

Had a light day today with just 3 meetings. Went to the office at 3.30 and met up with the team. At 5 me and Arjun went to a nearby pub for a drink. We were joined by a collegue... the pub was quite full even at that time on a tuesday evening and by the time we left at around 7, there was local train type of rush. Where is the slowdown i asked? The labour class is badly affected, you are looking at a wrong sample, I was told. We were standing outside with our beers and after 10 mins it was cold inspite of my suit and an overcoat - i wore my cap and looked quite silly being the only one out there wearing a cap but I didnt care. Took a cab back to the hotel - there was a lot of traffic and the cabbie had to keep changing the route to avoid it as today was St Patricks Day - god knows what that is. Just had dinner of roast salmon fillet with poached egg and spinach.. it was quite good. yahan koi bhi meal ke saath butter aur bread de dete hai.. both the butter and the bread/bun are quite delicious.. can make a meal out of just that.... Anyways, tomorrow I have 3 meetings in Edinburgh and have a flight to catch at 7 am... which means I have to wake up at about 5 am - will be back tomorrow evening itself. Till then, ciao.

Monday, March 16, 2009

London diaries - I

This piece of strawberry cheesecake is just not getting over. Instead of the usually slim and trim triangle that they serve you in India, I have in front of me a hatta katta triangle which boasts of being a brick. I'm having coffee in between to make this manageable, but I shall have to give up soon.

My company has to my utter surprise decided to send me off on a week's trip to the UK and possibly another week in the US right after. The weather at this time of the year is quite nice - its cold but not numbingly cold... I went out without my overcoat today in just my suit, but felt a bit chilly and may take the overcoat afterall. I've been told not to trust the wine, women and weather here. Women and weather i understand, but wine?... I'm going to be having 5-6 meetings of an hour each everyday and am going to be saying much the same stuff in each meeting. Its quite boring stuff, but I aint complaining because sitting in office working is also quite boring.

I'm not the type who can roam about a new city on my own hence regret not having any kind of company here. Am hopefully going out with some office guys tomorrow evening. The hotel guys have offered me a pick of one free item of laundry a day or 50% discount on F&B or free internet. You know which one i've picked.

I'm in love with the london cabs like ive not been in love with any car before. They are so cute and rugged at the same time. And the're so huge (legroom double that of an omni) yet they dont seem intimidating at all.

This city is so expensive. Yesterday i ordered a spiced sea bass - it cost me 25 pounds and it fit in my left molar with space to spare! I had to order a sandwich to fill my stomach. Chalo enuf for now - will post something equally mundane tomorrow.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Post from the blast

Everyone's writing about the recent terror attack in Mumbai and how its different from earlier incidents. We all agree its different, me too, but no one really explains why or how its different. For me, its different because somewhere in the back of my mind, I admire them. Not for what they actually did (dastartly, i think is the official adjective, though I prefer despicable. Dastardly is defined as "characterized by underhandedness or treachery" - which is correct when someone leaves a bomb somewhere with a timer and disappeares, not when one is present there for over two days shooting and drawing fire) but for their daring and courage. That someone who doesnt even know you wants to kill you and is ready to die if necessary doing that is both scary and awe-inspiring.

For my part, it does cause a certain amount of guilt and shame feeling some admiration albeit in the limited scope mentioned above for these young boys who are undoubtedly terrorists and have done the most despicable things possible. This mixed feeling of hatred and grudging respect is what is different this time. This incident is different from the earlier ones because unlike earlier when terrorists were not directly exposed at the time of the incident, this time, these 10 guys were there ready to take on the full brunt of India's combined armed forces. And while we all commend the efforts by NSG, Marcos, ATS and other defense arms, and grieve for the dead and injured, we cannot but think about the misplaced bravery of the perpetrators of this pain, and for acknowledging that, if only in our hearts, we are both scared and ashamed. Thats what is different this time.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Not writing anything, posting quizzzz!!!!!!

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence
You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well.
An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly.
You are also good at remembering information and convincing someone of your point of view.
A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary.

You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.
What'>">What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Sunday, January 06, 2008

How to kill a mosquito (or Su-cide)

Theres this website which computes the level of education needed to read/understand a blog. Well, I entered my url and it turns out the answer is "Elementary School". So keeping in mind this level, I make this post.

Whats the most wierd way that you've killed a mosquito? Well this happened to me yestarday. I was peeing, and a mosquito flies into the stream.

Yes. Thats all I have to say.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Kuch naya... kuch acha!

Farwell thee...

And welcome to you!

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Mysteries that Mystify Bollywood

The only similarity that this post has with the one below that today is also a strike.

If Aishwariya Rai had breast augmentation done would that be called 'Rai ka pahad banana'?

If Ramgopal Verma made a porn film would it be called 'Karna Zaroori Hai'?

Is Sunil Shetty Shilpa Shetty's Big Brother?

Thats all for now folks. Moving to Bombay soon. Are there any bloggers in Bombay?

Coming Soon: The script for Karna Zaroori Hai

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

This strike beats me!

Tomorrow is a strike. If you dont keep your shop / office closed someone may come and beat you and your office up (the word IS afterall strike!). If this happens, do you have any legal recourse? Or to put it the other way, is it illegal to keep your office open when a bandh is declared? Can someone take you to court for keeping your office open on a bandh? AC tells me that there is a government approved bandh and if someone keeps his office open on such a bandh then it is illegal.

Is that really so? Has anyone - even one person been taken to court for keeping his office open on a bandh day? If not, then how can it be illegal? If there is no legal recourse against an act, it cant be an illegal act. If there is a legal recourse, what is it? Is there a fine? Is there imprisonment? Is there both? What is that act which specifies all this? How come a mention of whether a ban is govt approved or not is never mentioned? How come it is never mentioned that contravention of this ban can attract the following penalties?

If the bandh is govt approved, who approves these bans? Is there a special ministry/department which does this work? Is there some laid down criteria which helps the ministry decide whether to approve this bandh or not? Do they have to even record their reasons anywhere? Is there a maximum number of days that can be declared bandh per year? If so, how many? If not, can I locate the concerned person/ministry who approves this to declare frequent bandhs? Is it actually possible? Well it may be possible if I was rich enough if I could afford the expectably expensive bribes. But then if I was that rich, I wouldnt be working, and then why would I want more bandhs?


Monday, September 25, 2006

Two straws would be sufficient, I think

Marriage has severly restricted my career options. Becoming a porn star is effectively ruled out. Shucks!

Maybe I can crack porn jokes instead. What did the guy who married the triple breasted whore of eroticon six do? He became a juggler.

Well, this one sucks too.

Would you also like a straw?

Why dont all those people who keep saying "life sucks" attach their life to their dicks?

I tried that once a long time back and realised that it in fact didnt suck. Which left me absolutely confused whether I should be happy or sad.

All those who think that this post sucks, you know what to do.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Welcome to Alaska

From the plane.. flight via cairo... dont ask me where this is!!
Sound and light show at the pyramids...

Pyramids by daytime... arent they huge? Square base of 230 meters side, and height of 147 meters (about 45 stories). It has 2.3 million blocks of stone and each one weighs an average of 2.5 tons (with the heaviest ones upto 15 tons).. And this was built before the wheel was invented, so they did not use pulleys to hoist the stones. Interesting fact: There is enough stone in the pyramid of Cheops to build a wall around France!!

The Sphinx.. A huge monolith carved out of the bedrock..

Nile Cruiseeeee

Belly dancing... very erm... satisfying :D

Ceiling of a mosque in the Citadel of old Cairo. The carpet on the floor here is the original 200 year old one and is still in use.. and doesnt look like its that old!

The obelisk at Karnak Temple, Luxor

Hypostyle hall of Karnak temple.needs to be seen to be believed. It is 5000sqm area and has 134 pillars each of about 18 meters height. Look closely and you will see a person standing in the distance to give you an idea of scale... need I say more?

Sunset en route Nubian village, Aswan.. great scenes from the mototboat.. too many to post

Nubian people breed crocodiles in their homes!!

Sound and light show at Philae Temple... extremely beautiful

Pompey's pillar in Alexandria - 27 meters tall

Alexandria library... the main hall is really really huge. Its really difficult to get the hugeness in the photo

Sunset on Alexandria beach. Personally my favourite photo.

At the end of the journey.. light at the end of the tunnel...

Folks am back from my honeymoon in Egypt. In case you were wondering about the title, it derives from a wierd ass egyptian shopkeeper who said "Where you from? India? Very nice people.. India, welcome to Alaska" We have no clue whether this was Egyptian humour or he has a screw dheela.

It was a 10 day package and we visited Cairo, Aswan, Luxor and Alexandria. In terms of shghtseeing and historical interest, Cairo I liked the most (of course as a single site I would say Karnak temple is most amazing, and also the pyramids if you consider the era in which they were built) but as a city to stay in Alexandria is difficult to beat. Cool and not humid (inspite of being a costal town) while some parts of Egypt were experiencing Delhi summer.

We also did a 4 day Nile Cruise and the scenic beauty is awesome. River, green valley and undulating dunes of the desert can be seen one behind the other and makes one wonder how such incredibly fertile land and incredibly barren land can be so close beside one another.

Recommended place to visit, definitely.. but try go when its a bit cooler.. October onwards would be a good idea.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Settled down, therefore running

As a teenager I used to always wonder at this phenomenon of people (both men and women) gaining weight after settling down. At times I used to thing that it was bullshit, but then the evidence was right there in front of me. It still is. In the mirror, to be precise.

Its was quite baffling, this weight gain. I lived the same sedantary lifestyle. I ate the same (or sometimes less, since I have someone to share with) food. Yet, inexplicably, the pounds started piling up. And although I had a vague feeling that I was gaining weight, I ignored subtle signs such as pants feeling tighter by deciding to give the fabric the benefit of doubt - shrinkage was after all a thing that science could adequately explain. However, I was rudely jolted out of gentle subconscious awareness of the matter of my obesity and forced to confront harsh reality one day as I on a whim tried out a roadside weighing maching. 81.5 kgs, it proclaimed. I could not even hide behind the alibi of a faulty scale because Seema's weight came out perfect.

Since then I have come up with a theory for post settling down obesity. I dont know if this theory will stand up to scientific testing, but after considering everything and eliminating what didnt fit, this is the only option I have. Being in the settled down state reduces your BMR (basic metabolic rate). And when I say settled down, I should define that state. This has to be past the inital phases of new love. Settled down means knowing that you are going to spend the rest of your life together, knowing each other well enough to drop all pretenses, and generally being able to fart with impunity in each others presense. On a more serious note, i think I have come out with this profound test of whether someone is in "settled down" love or not. When your girl/boy friend says 'I love you' and you dont feel uncomfortable not saying back 'I love you too'. Thats it.

Being in that kind of a state reduces your BMR. I mean, think about it - it substantially reduces existantial angst if not get rid of it completely, you have company around the house so you dont sit around weaving complex mindgames with yourself. You just dont burn that many calories any more.

Anyways, after seeing my weight that day, I said, thats it, and I started out on a serious regimen of exercise (and heres when the humor ends, smart asses, I really did): Weight training and running on alternate days. Thats when it struck me that there was more wrong with my body other than my weight. There was a very slight, but definite pain in my knees, caused most probably by running on tarred surfaces.

On a slight diversion here, I should tell my readers that all my friends share a love - hate relationship with my sports shoes. They love to hate them. For some reason, they just dont like them, and according to my friends, they should be in some junk bin, not on my feet. The main reason for this I think is that the shoes are not washed since ages, and the rubber at the tip of the toe has come out slightly. Now I've been intending to get the rubber fixed and the shoes washed since a long time, but havent got around to doing this. This added to the slight knee pain pushed me into finally relenting and saying Ok ok I'll get the damn new shoes! The fact that it was going to be a gift from my future mother in law also helped.

So we go into the Nike showroom and after half an hour come out with the Airmax 360. Friends, let me tell you that they are really awesome! The price is a bit embarassing to quote tho. What the hell I figured! Its better to spend on shoes rather than an orthopedic treatement. So here I am .. fat, old, and the proud owner of what is arguably the best shoe in the world. Quite a lot to have achieved before getting married, I say! Now I can die... erm..get married a peaceful man! Since this realisation has struck me, I have decided to do that very thing. This weekend. May God have mercy upon my soul! Amen...

Thursday, July 27, 2006

What Drug Is Your Personality Like?

Your Personality Is Like Marijuana
You're laid back and easy going, so much so that taking a shower is often too much trouble for you!Nevertheless, you're quite popular, and many people enjoy your company. You're rarely turned down.You're prone to giggle fits, paranoia, and forgetting where you are exactly.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Hiiiyaaa dhishum ... ouch, tu ne meri aankh maari?! Hiiiyaaa dhishum dhishum!!!

Black was not such a great movie. It showed a blind girl struggling so much to do so little. One must take inspiration from action movies. Even the most unobservant viewer will tell you that in the final fight the hero may get beaten, kicked thrashed to death; but if one makes the mistake of blinding the hero in some way he will recall a part of his training where he was taught to fight blindfolded and then beat the bad guys with supreme ease... with his eyes closed, literally. It is still a mystery why he remembers that blindfolded fighting lesson so well when it is apparent that he has forgotten all others. Next time in a fight, never make the mistake of poking your opponent in the eye. Its like scoring a self goal. You may as well take a gun and shoot yourself.

PS: Will someone please tell me how Superman solved the new landmass problem. The thing that he is shown lifting and hurling into outerspace is but a very small part of the total new landmass.

PPS: Will someone please tell the makers of MI3 that the ending was way way lame? Couldnt they even make up some story about what rabbit's foot was supposed to be?

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Taking stock

About one and a half years back, I'd made a post on some resolutions. Lets see how I've fared...
1. I shall substantially cut down on the number of phone calls I make. Whoever wants to talk to me can call.
Achieved completely. My cell bills have gone down about 3 times.
2. If I really want anything done right and on time I shall do it myself. I have realized that most people I know are foolish, inefficient or utterly irresponsible .. or all of these
A very good resolution in the first place. And yes, have more or less stuck to it.
3. All the answers lie within me. I shall therefore not seek any advise.
Of course this is not meant to be taken very literally. But yes, have adhered to the spirit of the resolution.
4. To those who are nice to me, I shall be ten times nicer, and to those who are rude, ten times as rude. This is subject to certain considerations.
Correct. Everyone gets as they deserve.
5. I shall learn how to cook and shall have at least one meal a week which is made by me.
Umm.. i did manage to make a complete meal all by myself.. but only once! Anyways, the context has changed now. I am now assistant to a more able cook :)
6. I shall read at least one book every month.
Noo... not happening... but am striving.. will do this. Its not at all a difficult target.
7. I shall know the girl I’m going to get married to by Dec 2005.
Need I say I told you so? ;)
8. Contrary to whatever else anyone says, girls fall for smooth talking uncaring bastards fully aware of what they are. Well, whatever the customer wants
Not applicable for evalution now due to obvious reasons.
9. I shall go to office on time.
Hah, you wish! Actually I've shifted jobs and now its sort of flexitiming, so not relevant
10. I shall go to the gym regularly
Serious failure here. Remains on my resolution list as pending.
11. I shall minimize procrastination of all kind, especially that relating to domestic/other chores.
Slight improvement here, but leaves a lot to be desired.
Hey not bad overall. Well done! I'm off. Shall now go and treat myself on some raisin nutties.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Morning Fog

This is one of my favourite photos.

It was taken en route Yercaud on a foggy morning. The reflection in the lake and dark outline of bushes give it an ethereal charm.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Political Compass

Taking from Zap's blog, heres where I stand

Try it out at

They forgot to show where Laloo stands. In the tabela I think. Speaking of which, read this!

Monday, May 15, 2006

Fun with Figures

Ok so everyone has heard jokes like 'whats a somalian with 12-11-12 figure? (model) or with 11-12-11 figure (pregnant) but the below converstion takes the cake

me: Whats the sequel of 69?
khat_mal: What?
me: 96. Its 'back'!

khat_mal: 1st year its 69. 10 years later its 96.
me: Pray why?
khat_mal: its a sociological/psycoloical question
khat_mal: marriages 'turn' out like that


Sunday, May 07, 2006

Confucious says

Brushing teeth with left hand feel as wierd as cleaning backside with right hand

Friday, April 28, 2006

Death of a local dignitary

I know its late for this post, but I dont want stuff to remain unsaid, so better late than never. This post is about Rajkumar's death and people's reaction to it.

Let me start off by saying that not having seen a single of his movies and understanding his place in people's hearts through a rational and not emotional point of view, my understanding of the entire situation may not completely attuned to the finer aspects. But reacting to a particular situation is the logical consequence of being in the midst of it, and therefore I'd like to share my reactions with my readers and find out how many of you feel alike.

The most striking realisation inspired from this episode is that Bangalore is so different from the image that non Bangaloreans (which includes people who've been in Bangalore since a few years, but not born and brought up here) have in their minds. Events such as these make poeple look at this city in a different light. And this could mean several things: In the corporate perspective it could tilt the balance against Bangalore as an investment destination; for a college student somewhere in Nagpur, it could make Bangalore look decidedly uncool.

Also, the violence was really baffling. Here is a man, who is of ripe age and dies of natural causes. If he was 45, and had died in police custody, the buring of tyres would have made some sense. Will the same kind of reaction greet the death of Rajnikant or Amitabh Bachchan? Is it justificaiton that the public have immense love and adoration for him? In that case why dont they behave in a similar fashion when their father dies?

The day of Rajkumar's funeral I went happened to see TV for a while. Majority of the people looked as if they were in some mela. There was scant grief apparent. Some were laughing. Some looked drunk. The death of a dignitary seems to be an excuse to act irresponsibly. This is really pathetic, as I think that one should at least have the balls to behave irresponsibly without any excuse. What is more pathetic though is people acting like heros in these circumstances. There is no bravery in venturing into troubled areas and subjecting yourself to the vagaries of a mob. Unless of course you dont mind dying a painful death. Unfortuantely, I had to go drop Seema to the airport that day, since none of the cabs were operating. I stuck a photo of rajkumar (downloaded and printed from the net). I know of people who refused to take this simple safety measure solely on some arcane moralistic (or maybe egoistic) high ground. The upside is that I did the trip back from the airport to office in under 18 minutes (and its about 18 kms). And also appreciation due to the CM... the roads are almost awesome now!

Its time Bangalore started behaving its age.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

George W. Bush Quotes

All quotes 100% authentic, and courtesey of George W. Bush.
"I think we can agree. The past is over."
"I have learned from mistakes I may or may not have made."
"It was just inebreating what the Midlands was all about then." (A slip on exhillerating)
"It's clearly the budget. It has a lot of numbers on it."
"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case."
"Will highways on the internet become more few?"
"Like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself."
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? Laura and I really don't realize just how bright our children is."
"I was raised in the West. The West of Texas. It's pretty close to California. More so than Washington, D.C. is close to California."
"I propose that every city have a telephone number 119 -- for dyslexics who have an emergency."
"There ought to be limits to freedom." Said about parody websites of him.
"I believe that we are on an irreversible trent toward democracy and more freedom- but that could change."
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
"I have made good judgements in the past. I have made good judgements in the future."
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the poles."
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about, in terms of not having it."
"We are ready for any unseen event that may or may not occur."
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
"We have a firm committment to NATO; we are a part of NATO. We have a firm committment to Europe; we are a part of Europe."
"Who is to blame for riots? The rioters are to blame."
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only proffession that teach our children."
"It isn't pollution that's ruining the environment; it's all the impurities in the air and water that's doing it."
"It's time the human race entered the solar system."

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Long time no post

And I have nothing much to write now either. Just leaving you with this amazing video of the Hayabusa wheelie. Mind blowing. I cant believe u can get this for just ten grand in the US!

Leaving you with a Woody Allen quote which I know from personal experience to be true:

"Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday"

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

The Original Story...

Heres the true story of the origin of Valentines Day.

Nothwithstanding what nonsense you've been told about a priest, the truth is that valentines day originated in India, and to top it in BIHAR!!

Interested? Read further.

Well, it is well known what the people in Bihar are like, especially the menfolk. It is a known fact that they didnt treat the opposite sex with the respect some of the firebrand members of the opposite sex thought they deserved. One brave lady, (her name is thankfully lost in oblivion) one fine day (certainly not for her husband) had enuf of atyachars perpetrated on her and rebelled by beating her husband up with a belan...Yeah the same belan with which she made chappatis for him everyday, only this time, instead of the dough, it was the husband who was flattened like a chappati, albeit an oblong one. This was a momentous occasion for all the women in Bihar and a revolt soon spread with several housewives beating up their husbands with belans and there was an outburst of moaning chappatis all over Patna. This was a long time, around 400 years ago.

The menfolk learnt their lesson and behaved a bit better with their partners. However, there was no putting down the burgeoning feminist spirit of the times, and each year that day the womenfolk, if only gingerly and lovingly, as a token gesture beat up their husbands to commemorate that eventful day, which had contributed substantially to better their lot. The menfolk also submitted to this, in good humour, since they didnt really get beaten up anyways. The entire ritual soon became a caring and loving affair, with wives having the satisfaction of beating up their husbands, their husbands cringing in mock fear and pain, and the guys having the supreme joy of submitting to the whims of the women they loved. This ritual was more often than not followed by another well known one in bed, the details of which are out of scope of this mail.

This custom continued for many years, even when the British occupied India. As Bihar fell more and more under the influence of western culture and language, some of the more fashionable and educated women, sometimes wearing leather boots and clothes (this even created a fad for leather belans for a short time, but it soon passed, as they could not use them to make chappatis) on that day appeared with a belan in hand, and called out to their husbands "Belan time"! before starting off.

This was noticed by the British, and they were quite amused and endeared by the peculiar ritual. They also saw it for what it really was, i.e. a manifestation of love, not of hate. The ritual soon spread to Britan and many other countries, especially the catch words "belan time!" Of course in their foreign mouths it was bastardised to velan time and then to velantine. And from that day onwards, 14th of february, since it was indeed that day that 400 years ago an irate Bihari housewife nearly commited man-slaughter, came to be known as Valentine's Day. The custom of hitting with Belans died a natural death, but 14th of Feb still stands as a symbol of undying and universal love.


Thursday, February 09, 2006

Aaj ka naya PJ

Best one i've heard in a long time

"She told me 'We feel that you have the the polish and maturity that this job requires'. Maybe she was referring to my new shoes"

Sunday, January 22, 2006


Saw a woman the other day with an orange top. No surprises there. The surprise was that she was wearing orange coloured Sindoor. Is this the latest trend in fashion I thought? If she were wearing a blue top, would she wear blue sindoor? Is blue sindoor available? Maybe somewhere there is a visionary who saw an unexploited idea, seized the opportunity and is set to make millions. Maybe the biggies should buy him over while he's at this nascent stage and get onto the "multicoloured sindoor bandwaggon" with a first mover advantage. The idea is so new that it could actually be patented.

This got me thinking about the origins of the name "sindoor". After extensive research I've found out that it is called so because of the change that marriage causes in the woman's life. You see, marriage is a cleansing act. She stops having premarital sex, and extramarital sex is an absolute no-no. Sin-door is therefore symbolic of the woman leaving her wicked ways behind.

Now that I had derived the origins of the word, I did some research on the use. Someone knowledgeable told me that "sindoor has a cooling effect". Immediately I understood. "Ahh the bride is all hot and she needs something to cool her down eh?" I said with a wink. I was told that I had a one track mind. I plan to upgrade to a 32 track system immediately.

Aaj ka naya PJ - If we are all in a b(ee)-school, are our professors drone-aacharyas? (Copyright Gautam)

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Seema and chrys!

  1. Seema and chrys can pollinate up to six times more efficiently than the honeybee.
  2. Seema and chrys are the only bird that can swim but not fly.
  3. Seema and chrys cannot burp - there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomach.
  4. All of the roles in Shakespeare's plays - including the female roles - were originally played by seema and chrys.
  5. Scientists have discovered that seema and chrys can smell the presence of autism in children.
  6. Contrary to popular belief, seema and chrys are not successful at sobering up a drunk person, and in many cases they may actually increase the adverse effects of alcohol.
  7. The first seema and chrys were made in 1853, and had no pedals!
  8. Seema and chrys are actually a mammal, not a fish.
  9. A bride should wear something old, something new, something borrowed, and seema and chrys.
  10. Seema and chrys were banned from Finland because of not wearing pants.
I am interested in - do tell me about

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Mysteries that mystify language

  1. Why isn't melodrama ever mellow?
  2. What is the feminine gender of bastard

Bas abhi itna hi. Will post more when i can think of them. In the meanwhile u r free to point out some more mysteries that mystify language in the comments section.

Meanwhile listen to this

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Life's a killer!

Ok. What is life? One of the answers offered (and a good one at that) is that life is a magazine. Human curiosity is not however satisfied having gone only thus far. It clamours for the whole truth, and begs the question "If life is a magazine, it is so for which rifle?"

Having given this thought consideration for a considerable amount of time, I have come to the conclusion that creation, so to say, is that rifle. The universe is the rifle, and we are just magazines which are loaded into this rifle, used and then thrown away. Life is nothing but magazine fodder to keep the universal rifle firing away. This is the universe's way of getting even. The first and the largest shot fired, the big bang, gave life, and to balance things out now, life is fed back into the universe piece by piece. When enough magazines are consumed and the rifle is no longer useable, it will probably be replaced by another big first shot and another rifle.

Each magazine is made up of several bullets. These are nothing but parts of your life. Your girlfriend is for example a bullet - hopefully, a mind blowing one. Your job is another bullet, mind blowing in a completely different kind of way. Your bike may or may not be a bullet.

Now that we have life figured out, what do u think about time?

Wednesday, January 04, 2006


Ok so this is my 100th post. So I wonder, is my blog worth anything. And it was a mighty coincidence that i just now came across this. What i've long suspected has now been confirmed. Its priceless :)

Monday, January 02, 2006

Dishonour and Prejudice

And so, the topic was people and cultures. Cities and security. Sensibilities to dissimilarities.

"Marwaris and Punjabis - these two people, really know how to make money"
"And Gujaratis also"
"Yes of course, Gujaratis"
"Marwaris genuinely have business sense, but Punjabis are out to make money just by fooling and cheating"
"Actually Marwaris really make money by doing some innovation or the other"
"No no,l Gujaratis are masters in that"
"You have to be very careful with Punjabis. If you are slightly careless, or innocent, God help you"
"Actually thats not entirely true. You are talking about Delhi. If you go to the heartland of Punjab, its a different story"
"Thats correct. You know, in any village of Punjab, you go to any house at random, and ask for food, they will feed you like a king. Even though they never met you before."
Murmurs of approval. Two polarized points of view expressed. Both agreed and accepted. A final observation to put everything in place.
"You know, the majority of Punjabis in Delhi are immigrants from Pakistan. They are not the same as the Punjabis of the villages"

Ahh... that explains everything.

Sometimes, prejudice manifests itself in subtle ways.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Lesbians' barter system is all about teat for twat

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

I firmly believe that the world should revolve around you. Not just me; everyone. Before i met you I firmly believed that the world should revolve around me.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Bike Trip to Bheemeshwari

So, finally did a bike trip. Seema and I left off pretty late on a Saturday morning with meagre preparations which consisted of buying two trekking bags and one topi. We tied the bags to the bike, put the topi on Seema's hair (to protect it from some ultra sensitive ultra expensive hairdo she'd gotten done recently), set the trip counter to zero and set off. It would not be totally wrong to say that the trip was not a bikers' delight. The roads were bad; not bad enough to prevent anyone from biking down, but bad enough to steal the pleasure. We reached Bheemeshwari in about 2 hours 45 mins from point to point covering 95 kms at an average speed of only 35 kms per hour, although we managed to touch a max speed of 107. The stretch of about 15-20 kms just before Bheemeshwari is a pleasure. Its a narrow and slightly winding road, and feels like playing a videogame.

Bheemeshwari is a place with nothing to do. Thats a good thing, btw. Its quite scenic, bang on the banks of the Cauvery, and turned out to be warmer than Bangalore. Our warm jackets remained unused. We reached around 2PM, and had good food and a beer. Rested for a while and then in the evening we went on a coracle ride which is something like a big kadhai in water. Good fun tho. We decided to go on a short bike trip just before sunset, for about half an hour. Later there was more beer and food near a bonfire. The next morning there was a nature trek, for an hour which culminated in the watch tower, giving an amazing view of the Cauvery below.

The weather on the way back was just awesome - cool and cloudy. About 35 kms from Bangalore it started raining a bit. We kept riding with our jackets on, as it wasnt a heavy downpour and it stopped in 10-15 minutes. Took about the same time to get back. Nice trip, all the more nicer for the company.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Random Ramblings

Some words in the English lexicon fascinate me. They inspire me to make some additions to the existing uselessly abundant two million words in the English language (most people know around 10-15K)For example, ‘forte’. It is supposed to mean a niche area at which one is good at. Each person should have something he can call his forte. But often the best laid plans fall flat on their backs. One should therefore have a backup plan, which henceforth be called ‘fort b’.

How long does it take to know someone well? It varies. In some cases six months may not be enough, and in others six weeks may be sufficient. I often hear the phrases ‘take it slowly’, ‘go step by step’ and ‘get to know each other first’ a bit too often for my liking. Your concern is appreciated. Thanks but no thanks.

New job is ok. The people around are very nice, and I have an office social life which is not mandatory, yet I have it. The work is not too good yet, but I expect it to improve soon. Anyways, I’d rather have a not bad work life and an awesome love life than a lousy love life and an awesome work life ;p

Sunday, November 27, 2005

I'm in love... and I love you :)

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Cha Men!

So. Finally. 25 comments!!

Yes. Thats all i have to say. Yes a truly disappointing post. Yes, that too after so long.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Wah Wah!

We used to have some essay type questions as part of the entrance procedure. Here are some of the answers received. Needless to say, they did not make it.

· On a question about family values – “To top it all being human is the most important” Yes. Well said. We have a strict no dogs policy.
· On aims and ambitions – “I want to reach the segmented markets across borders as no company has attempted before” I know. They wanted to leave something for you.
· On developmental aspirations – “I would like to develop at least one positive trait in me.” Ahh sir, what lofty and succinct ambitions you have!
· On career goals – “Let me introduce myself to you. At the age of 23 I am married, well settled, honorably employed and a proud father.” Umm an off-beat career, but you sure are the CEO of whatever it is!
· On family values – “My perception of the mankind as the creation of the almighty menat to live in peace, bound by love, destined for prosperity, abound by mutual trust, respect, affection, care, concern and understanding of each other, my family is a prototype of what the kingdom of God is all about” Where? Where is the Nobel prize?
· On weaknesses – “Sometimes I react when water is at alarming height and it can be termed as a mild form of procrastination” Ya mild. In the same way that Mount Everest is high.
· “As the saying goes, Rome was not conquered (blank space)" Its ok. We all have ‘gaps’ in our education.
· “As for the goal in my life, I wish to go where no man has ever gone before.” Too much star-trek, eh?
· “What is the vital characteristics required in a team? Inclination to work together physically” And which activity were you involved in did u say again?
· On family values – “Under the bludgeonings of time my head is bloody but unbowed” A staunch Kshatriya family, I presume?
· “I’m interested in watching cartoons, which has developed a sense of humour” Oh dear… sorry to hear that..
· Career goals – “My ultimate goal is to become the head of a corporate house engaged in production of things ranging from a mere pin to bulky ships and planes” And transport the pins in the ships and planes? What a brilliant idea!
· “Family values are like the bouquet of flowers which contains each and every kind of flowers and has the capacity of satisfying every human being” And it is no wonder that everyone in your family has taken ikebana classes.
· “I took in my hand the task of preventing collision of trains in my hands as part of my pre-engineering project” That’s simple. Just keep your hands apart.
· For passing 12th standard – “It was really a hard nutshell for me to crack” Even harder than cracking this joke?
· On prizes or achievements won, sole entry – “Stood third in the singing competition in my school in 1984.” Sorry we cant take you; you will give others inferiority complex
And this one takes the cake:
· On what would you like to change about yourself – “I have noticed that while moving very fast I tend to become unstable and I wish I had a tail because that would give me balance” No comments!!!!

Monday, October 31, 2005

God bless me!!

When recently I was down with sore throat, fever, cold etc, I felt like cutting off my throat from both ends (i.e. the end which ended in the head, and the end with ended in the torso), throwing it away, and putting my head on my shoulders. This, I thought, would kill two birds with one stone. It would get rid of my sore throat, and also make me more mature and responsible.

I also had a very bad lower back ache, so I considered cutting off my hips at both ends (i.e. the end that ended in the torso and the end that ended in the legs) but rejected the idea, because that would kill one bird and two stones.

I have come to realize that there are two types of laryngitis. The first one is caused by staying at high altitudes, and the medical term for this branch of laryngitis is soar throat. The second one is cause in the monsoon due to exposure to moisture laden breeze. There is no medical name for this branch of laryngitis but the basic idea is embodied in the famous song “Sawan ka mahina, pawan kare sore”

It seems that both these types of laryngitis are spreading rapidly in the country and the situation now is that Gale gale me sore hai.

Request the readers of my blog to consider this warning enuf. Pasand nahi aaya to soar-y.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Quizzzz again!

Ok i think some of you didnt understand the previous post. Some others i'm sure were pissed off at being made a fool :) For those of you who didnt understand - no nothing of the sort actually happened and there is no news report of the same. Its just a joke! The link is which means fooled you :)) Enjoy! Heres a quiz i liked

Cheese Pizza
Traditional and comforting.You focus on living a quality life.You're not easily impressed with novelty.Yet, you easily impress others.
What's" Your Pizza Personality?

Thursday, October 27, 2005

OMFG I dont believe this!

It does not require me to draw your attention to the fact that English is a wired language. There have been tomes written on the subject of the idiosyncracies of the language in the form of puns and other assorted jokes. One of these oddities is that of irregular tense forms. A seemingly funny situation resulted in domestic violence in a household in East Kandivalli, Bombay when a 4th standard kid returning from school told his mother "Mummy master bate me"

Read the whole story here.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Oh God!

Ok i'd read this some time back. It had come as a forward. All I ask is:

If cold is absence of heat, darkness is absence of light, evil is absence of good, and Satan is absence of God, whom do i hold responsible for this mass absentism?

The problem I have with such forwards is that they over-simplify everything. It sure wud be bathos at its extreme best if centuries of debate could be explained away in one forwarded email. Coming to a mailbox near you - the answer to life, universe and everything.

PS: No offence meant to Pulse, believers in general or Albert Einstein.

Monday, October 24, 2005

I think Pink Floyd is the most over-rated band of all time

Friday, October 21, 2005

Nothing in loo (sorry i mean lieu) of partitions!

Have you ever noticed how more means less? Like more fashion means less clothes? This is true in the case of loos also. In real posh places such as five star hotels or multiplexes the stand-and-pee loos have no partitions between stalls. I really fail to understand the reason. Is this how loos are in the more developed countries and this is just the usual emulation of the west? Even if this were so, what is the fundamental reason behind this? Maybe these places think it’s a treat to offer its clientele surreptitious glances at others genitalia. Maybe that’s how really kewl people fraternize. Hey hows it hanging? Smile. I’m doing fine buddy. Zip up. Smile again. Cya.

In any other normal social setting they make a big deal about ‘personal space’. In queues you are supposed to keep a gap between the person at the counter and the person behind him. But in the loo two people can stand hardly one foot apart with their privates hanging out of their zippers and that’s ok. I just don’t get it. I just go over to the cabin.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Bullet Points

  • In the multiple choice questions of life, option 'e' is written in invisible ink
  • I read only fiction; everything else is a bunch of lies
  • Damn! Late again!

Friday, October 14, 2005

House! House!! Yippie!!!!

So finally, found a flat. Very reasonable rent with 'full amnities'. Moving on Tuesday. So that ends the house saga. I hope!

Wednesday, October 12, 2005


The shit has hit the roof. Before I went to hyde, i had finalised the house (or so I thought). Only the paperwork was left, which anyway would take time coz the documents would have to go abroad, the landlord being there. Now suddenly I am told that that house is not on rent for another 2 months (for reasons I'm lazy to write here). So I am without a house now, as I have to vacate my current place by this saturday! Am back tomorrow morning, and will have to figure out. Hope everything is alright...

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Off to Hyde!

Heh. On a lark. Flight in a couple of hours. Be back to Bangalore around wed/thurs. Hyderabad bloggers here I come!

Friday, October 07, 2005

Last day

Hey people. A personal update. Leaving my current job. Today is my last day. My new job starts 31st Oct. Will be busy in the meanwhile finding a new apartment and travelling. Blogging will be infrequent, but will keep checking your blogs. Will be back soon!

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Sixth Sense?

Your soul purpose on this Earth is to develop your
6th sense. You were most likely a psychic
trainee or shrugged off your special gift in a
past life. And that is why you are back today,
to fully develop your skills. Pay close
attention to your dreams and coincidences in
your life, they make a big difference when
developing spiritually. For once in your life,
listen to what your intuition has to say, not
your mind. Although the brain is one of the
most important guidances in developing, you
must be careful because the mind can often fool
you into thinking that things like psychic
energy is all just a figment of your
imagination. As long as you take these
suggestions, developing shouldn't be nearly as
difficult as it was before. You trully are a
special person, don't let anyone make you think

~What Is Your Soul Purpose On This Earth?~ (Another quiz with more amazing anime pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

God knows if this is true. My parents and grandparents tell me that when I was a kid, about 2 and a half years old, I was very interested in music. We had a record player and it was something that could stack a number of records.. when one would get over, the other would automatically drop on top. Before it started playing I would name which record it was. Everyone was surprised as I didnt even know how to read, and the records all looked similar. They called some psychiatrist and he spread out some 30 records on the bed and asked me to get me one of them, which i did with utmost ease. Even he was perplexed. Of course, I dont remember much of this.. And no, I cant do it now either.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Russian Salad - IV (ok its another meal now!)

Also see
Russian Salad
Russian Salad - Second Helping
Russian Salad - Thrid Helping (These Russians have large appetites)

Ok. Story till now. Once upon a time in Russia, lived two goons: Sergi Putin and Vladimir Kastev. Vladimir was fat and intelligent, Sergi was philosophical. Now it might seem a bit wierd to the reader that a criminal can be philosophical, but its not that abnormal either. Infact, if the reader were to imagine, say Shamsher Shera, bollywood villian character played by Amrish Puri with long hair and bead necklace, instead of Sergi, the incredulity levels will register a substantial drop. Its not infrequently that we are introduced to such characters to whom their work is their way of life. Afterall, who is better acquainted with the issue of life and death than someone who makes these decisions for others on a routine basis. It is no wonder that some of them become philosophical, and even when the situation is strictly business, such as a Mexican standoff, spout philosophical lines while others are trying to count the number of guns and the number of people. Sergi was something like that. But Sergi was in a much more advanced state of philosophical enlightnment, perhaps exceeded only by the philosophy embodied in the line 'Tera kya hoga Kaalia' He had dedicated an entire way of living to a hunch, and accordingly had indulged in an unbridled spree of acquiring space. Now his space was stolen, and Vladimir was the prime suspect. Vladimir was a techno-gunda. You know, the kinds they show in movies, where four or five experts gang up to form a deadly criminal organisation and one of them is a geek whos punching random keys on his laptop at mind-boggling speed? Vladimir would make that geek look like a gwbasic programmer. His skills exceeded the bounds of computing; they sprung from the pure sciences itself and he excelled at application of pure science in hitherto never explored areas. He was Albert Einstein of the new world.

And now it is time to introduce a couple of new characters in this narrative - the wives of Vladimir and Sergi. Vladimir's wife was called Serena. She had long hair and a short nose. She was originally from South Carolina, with dark coloured skin like ripe chickoos. Everyone who set eyes on her wanted her. She was very bored with her husband's scientific exploits, except for the 'bio-perfumer'. It was an injection which worked by affecting the endocrine system, which in turn changed the phermones emitted by the subject. The effect lasted fifteen days. There were separate injections for rose, lavender and such usual fragrances as also some unusual ones like coffee, freshly baked bread and lawn. Serena like coffee a lot and it went well with her coffee coloured skin too. One day she by mistake injected herself with an experimental sample, and had a narrow escape from six street dogs. The other inventions such as the remaninderizer bored her and she therefore, very predictably, started looking for sexual release outside marriage. Vladimir was very fat, as you might recall, and the missionary position felt like being flattened by a bulldozer (and if Vladimir fell asleep as he sometimes did immediately after the act, bull dozer) and the woman on top position felt like sitting on a camel with a rather pointed hump. We shouldnt therefore judge her harshly for her adultery. She harboured a secret desire for Sergi. She liked him for his diminutive manner and worldly wiseness. But he being her husband's arch rival she knew he was out of reach. So she did not do anything to get intimate with him. Yet.

Sergi's wife was Vivian (original name Vin-Chooi-May) and she hailed from the land of the rising sun. She had long, straight, silky hair and features that made her look like a very cute puppy. Her skin was fair, soft and smooth like shade number T-019 from the formica shade card of my next door furniture-wala. Everyone who set eyes on her worshipped her. She, coming from a male dominated country wanted to break off the shackles of the old world, and wanted progress. Her husband's retrograde stance in philosophy, and that too a-logical philosophy irked her. She loved her husband, but she was getting increasingly irritated with his non sensical behaviour. She started sleeping around a bit to vent off some of this irritation and to sort of get back at her husband. She wished he would be more like Vladimir, often fantacised about him and his amazing intelligence, but snapped herself out of it, as it was idle thinking. It would never happen.. or wouldnt it?

What neither of them knew in the beginning was that Serena and Vivian knew each other. Indeed, were classmates in college and close friends. Both of them had studied at Harvard. Vivian was there to study environment science and Serena studied poetry. They were together in the mandatory language class. After Harvard, they went their separate ways and lost contact for some years.

Vivian then went to Russia to do her thesis paper. There she met Sergi at a shopping mall. He was the discerning shopper to the core. What she liked was his sensuous nature. When Sergi was selecting fabric for his suit, he rubbed it gently against his cheek. Then he smelled it. She totally fell for a man who was so open with his feelings. Nowadays everyone selects suits as if they were purchasing computers, she thought. Here is a man in touch with himself. She caught herself meandering into idle though 'What if he is buying lingerie for his girlfriend? Will he apply the same technique', realised what she was thinking, blushed furiously and corrected herself. She pretended to be the salesperson (which of course she later revealed she was not) and they fell in love. In a few days, Sergi was in a situation he did not know how to get out of. Not that he did not like Vivian; physically she was just stunning. But she irked him. She was always very polite and docile, but somehow he was doing things she wanted, not the other way round. Take for example her anti litter campaign. Ok, so she was an environmental science student, and for her he could drop the icecream cup in the dust bin and not on the road. But what about empty cartridges falling out from his AK-47? She insisted that he and his gang pick them up as and when the machine gun ejects them. When he explained that this was not possible because in a street-fight the important thing is to kill the guy, and if they waited to pick up the cartridges, the guy would escape. She nodded her pretty head in understanding and came along with them on their next mission, picking up the empty shells along the way. When they came back to base camp in the evening she smiled sweetly and showed them 53 empty shells she had picked up. Well, thought Sergi, now at least we can laugh at the news reports in which they say 51 rounds were fired in a shootout in central Vladivostok today. Hey sucker, not 51, we fired 53 rounds, 53!' How DO they figure out how many rounds were fired? Do they count the empty shells? If so, maybe they wont air the news at all. Wouldnt it be really wired to announce, "In a shootout in central Vladivostok today, three people died and seven were injured, in which.. ummm... zero rounds were fired. We are frankly foxed how this happened, and our special reporter Habart Ruslan will be back as soon as he figures this out". So Vivian says "I so glad to help you out Sergi to keep the environment clean. Killing people important, but mother earth not to be suffering because of this. So next time also, you take me along with you, ok?" Sergi turned red for being in this situation, that too in front of Gustav, Mikhail and Qveton, all hardened criminals, who thought nothing of drinking a litre of vodka between two breaths. But what could he do?!??

But if Sergi was having a hard time, Vladimir was no better off. Vladimir met Serena in a park. She was sitting there for inspiration for her poetry and found it immediately in Vladimir and his goons, as they were negotiating a deal with a rival party. The deal went sour and there was a shoot out in which Vladimir kicked ass. Serena wrote a poetry about it:

I sat in the wilderness, the grass a tease,
And there I saw a gallant knight obese.
Taciturn in his ways he seemed at first,
But insatiable for power was his thirst.

And so on for about 3 more stanzas. She decided that she would marry Vladimir. Vladimir of course could not resist her charms. All was well the first few weeks. But then Vladimir discovered that she was a poet. Which was only slightly better than being a philosopher. She accompanied him and his gang on all their missions. At crucial moments she broke into spontaneous poetry. For example, when they had captured a rival gang member and were asking him for information on pain of death, she said:

There you are, villian, caught and captured
And my lover is asking you questions enraptured
He beats and punches you, and each time you sigh
Now reveal the information or else you will die!

To which the captured gang member actually told Vladimir "I was going to tell you everything, but now i wont!"

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